5/31/21

Birds chirp around me, but the helicopters above outweigh their soft whispers. To my left a musician plays classics and is cheered on by large crowds by the fountain. I hear people walking by, maybe on their way to grab a drink at the boat basin. The river is filled with people on romantic but overpriced row boats. Couples sit and smile and lean into each other. I want to be somewhere more alone. Where I can be tricked into feeling I have nature all to myself. I feel the earth below me as I lay on my stomach. The grass is patchy. The trees around me are lush and adjourned with endless green leaves. The water glistens and reflects the trees. The sky is a soft blue with just a few clouds. The sun is now blocked by a willow tree swaying to my right. Everyone is moving fast.

6/1/21

I sit on a bench in the Shakespeare garden. The sun beats down on my legs. Once again, a helicopter flies overhead. I hear the chirping of birds and the soft chatter of visitors. The flowers are bright, the purple circles remind me of a Dr.  Seuss book. The park is quite empty on this Tuesday, only occupied by individuals who truly desire to take the time to sit in nature. I feel connected to this woman through a shared love of Shakespeare even though I probably won’t say a word to her. So many people have wandered past me today in the forest. It is difficult to giv myself the freedom to let go. I try to stay present in what I’m reading, but my mind travels a million places. Must I get fully lost and be entirely alone to feel truly free? How do I get others to understand they deserve more freedom than they allow themselves to have?

6/8/21

 

I entered the pond, shivering but then submerged. The water embraced me. As my arms glided through I felt free. Free but how free can I feel if in the back of my head I’m wondering when I will get out or what creatures lay below me. I float. I think I feel free, but who’s to say. Life seems to be all about creating special moments to remember, but they’re so quickly a memory. I want to remember the exact feeling of safeness and knowing when I first reentered the bike path, wind in my hair or the first time I ever flew down the path on the back of a tandem bike with my dad or the very first time I rode a bike. I want to feel the chills on my stomach when they first graze the water. I want to taste my first bit of chicken sandwich at Cobies. But i can only remember the memory.

6/9/21

Sometimes I wish I could pause or turn back time. I regret what I didn’t do and so badly want to try again. Do better. But now that one moment is clumped with all the rest of the past. Taking in that one moment, this moment as fully as we possibly can. Sometimes I just feel so lost. And I want it all to stop. And to have no worries and for everything to fall into place. In so many books I read people must lose everything to achieve true freedom. I’m always planning and then once a moment has passed I wonder if I was even living in it.  Or was my body just there and not me. I need to stop taking life so seriously. There is not one path for me or this project so I need to stop asking people for advice. I am in the front seat. Just drive. I will find the way